If you’ve looked back at photos of your younger self and wished you looked that way now, you’re far from alone. Unfortunately, it’s super common that we don’t appreciate what we have until it’s 5, 10, 20, 50 years down the road.
Even though they usually don’t say it in so many words, I’ve had many, many, many clients tell me that they want their late-teenage body back. I’ve had clients in their 20s tell me that. I’ve had clients in their 70s tell me that.
I’ve also occasionally had people tell me, as a point of pride, that they can fit into their high school jeans again.
All of this is messed up.
Why? For so many reasons, but let’s start for the fact that when you long for your teenage body, you’re longing for a body that’s not yet mature. There is no universe in which you will have that body back, not even close.
Embracing change
At age 19, we haven’t built all our muscle (that continues into our mid-20s, and includes growth of our ORGANS, which are also muscles) or our bone (that continues until about age 30). Our brain is still developing until about age 25. We likely haven’t reached our adult set point weight range.
At 17, 18, 19, even 20, you just aren’t fully cooked yet.
So what’s behind this longing for our teenage bodies, and is recovering that body really standing in the way of our happiness?
- It could be a byproduct of the fact that we live in a society that idealizes youth and thinness.
- It could be that you’re yearning for the body you had at a specific age is more about yearning for being at that specific age. Do you feel like your life was generally better or simpler back then?
- If you used to be more athletic back then, it could be that you miss how that felt.
The reality is that the true answer to the question of, “How can I feel better about my body?” is to work on changing what’s between your ears (your thoughts and beliefs), not changing your body.
Fighting the fantasy
Even if you manage to “fix” your body by wrestling it into a size and shape you feel good about, those body image gains are superficial and fleeting.
Why? Because our bodies are always changing. When you’re 20, you’re not meant to have the body you had when you were 10. When you’re 40, 50, 60, 70, you’re not meant to have the body you had when you were 20, or even 30.
We know we’ll get older (we’re all doing that right now), but we don’t know what else is coming. We may gain weight or see shifts in where our bodies carry weight. We may also develop an illness or disability. None of that changes who we are or changes our inherent value and worthiness.
Fantasizing about the body we had in the past or the body we might have in the future interferes with giving our here-and-not body the respect, appreciation and attention it deserves.
It gets in the way of caring for ourselves with nourishing food, of moving our bodies in ways that feel good. If our body shame is deep enough, it can get in the way of going to the doctor when we need to.
A long-term solution for body dissatisfaction
Sadly, body dissatisfaction can happen no matter someone’s size and shape. That’s one reason why trying to fix body image by “fixing” the body doesn’t work. Sure, maybe you’ll be satisfied for a while, but the dissatisfaction will return, and then you’re looking for something new to fix.
Doing the mental work to cultivate body respect and appreciation is more effective in the long term. Yes, things can happen that bring feelings of body dissatisfaction briefly flooding back, but part of doing that mental work is learning how to be with those feelings without heading into a downward spiral.
While I 100% support everything I just said, I do want to offer some additional nuance: While this mental work is beneficial for everyone, it’s also individual work. We don’t live in a vacuum, and some people in some bodies also face systemic bias.
For example, someone in a larger body may achieve body peace only to be subjected to anti-fat bias whenever they leave their home.
To expand on that, someone in a larger body who has other intersecting marginalized identities — Black or Brown, queer, trans, neurodivergent, female, low-income, disabled — will likely experience multiple forms of bias, and may feel like controlling the size or shape of their body helps them feel safer in their bodies because that’s the one way they can try to fit in.
What if everyone who has experienced body dissatisfaction did not just their own healing work, but made a point of calling out appearance-based or weight-based bias and discrimination whenever they see or hear it? Just imagine the impact that could have.
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Disclaimer: All information provided here is of a general nature and is furnished only for educational purposes. This information is not to be taken as medical or other health advice pertaining to an individual’s specific health or medical condition. You agree that the use of this information is at your own risk.
Until next time,
