Before I jump into the main article, a tiny correction from my last newsletter. Thanks to a typo, I wrote that Hungarian physician Ignaz Semmelweis made his profound discovery about what was causing deaths from “childbed fever” in 1947, but the correct dates is 1847. I shudder to imagine if it actually took until the mid 20th century to make that discovery!
Do you find that you have the best of intentions about, say,
Do you sometimes actually start to make a few changes only to resume the very behaviors that are getting in the way of living a more satisfying, affirming life?
You might want to eat in a more nourishing way, move your body in ways that feel good, to generally take better care of yourself in the body you inhabit right now. At least, that’s what you want on paper, but what happens when you read between the lines? What lies beneath?
What you might not be aware of are other, hidden motivations, such as adhering to our society’s thin ideal so you “earn” approval from friends, family, coworkers — and maybe from potential romantic partners. You might feel that to be more comfortable in your body you need to be in strict control of your food and exercise — and that if you aren’t doing that then what’s the point of trying anything.
Uncovering the truth: Is it self-sabotage or unconscious conflict?
A good clue that something does lie beneath is when your intentions aren’t aligned with your actual behavior. When you really want to make positive, life-affirming changes but just can’t. For example, you want to:
- Eat nourishing meals, but you default to takeout or frozen meals that either don’t fully satisfy or leave you feeling bleh.
- Start taking yoga classes at that new studio near you, but you never stop by to sign up.
- Manage your blood sugar, but you don’t keep your doctor appointments.
- Feel more rested, but you stay up late watching Netflix or playing games on your phone.
Call this self-sabotage, call it relapse, but don’t call it being lazy or unmotivated. Don’t call it procrastination. That’s not the problem — the problem is unconscious conflict.
- You’re consciously aware that you want to go for more walks…but unconsciously you’re afraid of being visible at the size you’re at.
- You’re consciously aware that you feel physically uncomfortable when you overeat…but unconsciously you’re afraid of not having enough food.
- You say that you want to take better care of yourself…but you’re not aware of the unconscious, deep-seated belief that you don’t deserve to treat yourself well.
6 small steps to resolve unconscious conflict and stop self-sabotage
These practices can help you become unstuck and clearer on what you really want, what you’re afraid of, and how to move past the fear to get where you want to be:
- Be honest with yourself. Denial about your behaviors (and the thoughts and feelings driving them) delays real healing, whereas honesty and awareness give you a base from which to move forward.
- Cultivate curiosity. Now that you’re being honest with yourself, be curious about why you are behaving the way you are — without judging yourself.
- Reflect. What did your curiosity uncover? See if you can make any insightful connections between your feelings and fears, and your behaviors. This may include acknowledging the impact of past experiences related to food, exercise and body image
- Practice self-compassion. I see SO many clients who have very little self-compassion, even when they have abundant compassion for others. We need self-compassion even more when we start becoming more aware of what we’re doing (or not doing).
- Embrace experiments. When you try something, and it doesn’t work, tell yourself, “OK, don’t need to try that again…or at least not in that exact way. Let’s see what else works.” The reality is that we really don’t know how something will go unless we’re brave enough to try.
- Ask for help. You don’t have to go it alone. Stoicism isn’t the virtue you think it is. Sometimes, asking for help when you really need it most helps you become stronger.
Sometimes, it can help to have professional support as you do this important excavation, exploration and reflection work.
More strategies for overcoming self-sabotage in your wellbeing journey
If change was easy, we would do it without batting an eye or breaking a sweat. “I want to make this change…” Poof! Done! Alas, it’s not that easy. But here are some additional strategies that can help you align your intentions with your actions.
Find a middle path with food and exercise
The effective path to change avoids expectations of perfection but also avoids totally giving up. When change is happening, it can feel uncomfortable and frustrating. This doesn’t mean the changes are bad, just different and unfamiliar. Aiming for perfection or trying to change too many habits at once can feel exhausting and lead to giving up. On the flip side, giving up at the first sign of discomfort or frustration can lead to regret and feeling stuck. Focus on small, daily actions that you can do consistently.
Think choices, not rules (the anti-diet approach)
Do you tell yourself you “should” do something, only to end up rebelling? Instead of saying (and thinking) “I should,” say “I want.” Keep in mind that there are very few absolutes in life — most things are a series of choices and outcomes of those choices.
(Sometimes, “I get to” is a helpful phrase. “I get to go for a walk to clear my head and get the blood flowing.” “I get to prepare a simple meal that’s tasty and nourishing while I listen to music/a podcast/an audiobook.”)
Recognize your inherent value
When you care about yourself the way you do a dear friend, family member or partner, you feel deserving, and you feel you should have the best in life, no matter what you do. When you don’t care about yourself, you feel you only deserve the best if you’ve been “good.” Either you feel 100 percent deserving or you don’t, and this black-or-white thinking can block you from moving towards your stated intentions.
Learn non-food ways to comfort yourself (to manage emotional eating)
There are no inherently “good” feelings or “bad” feelings. Feelings are value neutral, provided us with important information, and serve as our internal guidance system.
Sure we may like some feelings better than others, but the reality is that all feelings pass if we give them the space to do so. That said, you probably want to have tangible ways of comforting yourself, and what works for you will be unique to you.
Some classic ideas are deep breathing, yoga, being in nature, losing yourself in activities you love, or going for a walk. When you have success using these techniques, you can set aside using food as comfort (or as the primary comfort) without feeling that someone’s taken away your security blanket.
Embrace 'enough' instead of rigidity
What does “enough” mean for you? Often, that’s a difficult question to answer, and it can take some experimenting to figure it out.
That’s one reason that diets are so seductive — someone else is telling you exactly what’s enough…except it may not really be enough for you. When you allow yourself to experiment, you might have a little too much to eat sometimes, a little too little other times. That’s totally normal! As you keep making small adjustments, you will figure it out and become more confident that you’re making the right decisions for YOU.
Disclaimer: All information provided here is of a general nature and is furnished only for educational purposes. This information is not to be taken as medical or other health advice pertaining to an individual’s specific health or medical condition. You agree that the use of this information is at your own risk.
Until next time,
